Serene Shift

Marriage and Family: Navigating Cultural Differences for Healthier Relationships

sereneshift — Mon, 05 Oct 2020 21:02:34 +0000

Marriage and Family: Navigating Cultural Differences for Healthier Relationships

Navigating cultural differences is a large part of what makes traveling so fun. At home, however, differing cultural norms and expectations can lead to tension within marriages or among family members.

Many of my patients struggle to bridge a cultural divide between them and their spouse–who is of a different culture, country, and/or religion–or between immigrant parents and first-generation children. Communicating across this chasm takes understanding, empathy, flexibility, and most importantly, practice.

Below, I explain the most common issues I see between spouses or loved ones of different cultures, such as:

1. Mismatched expectations around gender roles or parenting styles
2. A lack of understanding between parents and children who grew up in different places
3. Communication challenges or hostility between spouses or family members
4. Struggles around moving to America and adapting to everyday cultural differences and expectations

I also share some of the most effective strategies for overcoming these challenges to promote greater love and understanding.

Issue 1: Mismatched expectations around gender roles or parenting roles and styles

In romantic relationships, each of us come with certain assumptions and expectations about how our significant other should behave. These expectations about gender roles and parenting styles may be pretty far apart when partners come from different cultures and backgrounds.

For example, a woman born in China may believe that her spouse should be the sole family provider for their nuclear family while she raises the kids. The American husband may believe that both spouses should work full-time to support the family while a nanny provides the childcare. He might also want the family to primarily speak English at home, while his wife and in-laws want to raise the children mostly in Mandarin.

You may not even realize that you hold these internal assumptions around relationships and childcare, or that your partner and extended family don’t agree, until you fight about them for the first time. Experienced again and again, these disagreements cause significant marital and familial conflict.

The Solution:

Like with any type of martial or familial conflict, differing cultural expectations around familial roles and parenting are best resolved through better communication. In couples counseling, I help my patients agree upon their shared vision of the ideal marriage, home in on what each person would like to improve, and create a path forward.

Some general questions that could help you do this in your family or relationship include:

What do you need from me?
What can I do to support you?
How can I make you feel loved?
What can I do to make you happier?
What do you like best about our relationship?
What would our perfect relationship look like?

This is a great way to uncover assumptions and expectations that are leading to disagreements and have calm, positive discussion about how to move forward.

Issue 2: A lack of understanding between parents and children who grew up in different places

Cultural divisions also frequently show up between immigrant parents and first-generation children who grow up in different countries. Although they may be of the same race, their backgrounds could be completely different.

For instance, Korean parents who grew up in post-war South Korea and their Korean-American children growing up in the United States in the 2000s experience very different childhoods that determine their world view, values, communication style, and more. This can lead to consistent friction in the relationship.

Teenagers may feel misunderstood and smothered, causing them to act out in unhealthy ways, which can lead parents to become fearful for their children’s safety and become even more overprotective.

The Solution:

Bridging cultural divides within families comes down to a few essentials:

1. Allowing everyone to feel heard and be receptive about what is trying to be communicated
2. Examining what is needed to feel safe and secure in a relationship
3. Enhancing flexibility and resiliency
4. Managing fear impulses in a sustainable manner
5. Establishing respectful, realistic, and healthy boundaries
6. Replacing unhealthy expectations with realistic and sustainable ones

If you have tried to work through these issues with your family in the past, to no success, you should consider reaching out to a trained psychologist or family therapist. A neutral third-party can be very helpful in moderating emotionally fraught discussions and ensuring they head in a constructive direction.

During these types of discussions, I encourage family members to give everyone a chance to speak. No interrupting or shouting, just listening and then responding when it is your turn. Afterward, we work on setting healthy boundaries together.

For example, if the teenager feels smothered because their parents want to know where they are every minute, we might try phone check-ins at designated times instead. If parents feel that their child doesn’t respect their culture, perhaps agreeing to speak the parents’ native language at home can demonstrate respect and compassion.

Communicating more effectively, making sure everyone feels respected and heard, and enforcing healthy attachment styles can do wonders in overcoming a lack of understanding between family members who grow up in different places.

Issue 3: Moving to America and struggling to fit in or adapt your “old” culture with your “new” one

Moving to a new country makes us question our identity: Who am I in this new place? How do I integrate elements of my home country into my new home? How can I understand and adapt to new cultural norms that may go against my previous culture?

As a new American, your day-to-day life may be very different from what you are accustomed to, which can be uncomfortable.

The Solution:

The key to adapting to a new way of life is learning to be flexible. You may not love everything about your new home, but adopting a mindset of going with the flow and accepting what comes will make the most of your situation. Try the following strategies to stay flexible:

Give yourself time. Everyone who experiences a major life change, such as a move or a divorce, goes through an adjustment period where things feel new and overwhelming. Understand that it may take several months or years before you feel at home, or at least, less overwhelmed.
Be kind. Prioritize self-care, such as cooking your favorite family meals and getting enough sleep. It’s normal to feel homesick, angry, and depressed. You may experience changes in your eating and sleeping habits.
Connect with others and build your support network. Find a new church, join an English language learning group, meet fellow expats. Lean on your family and friends from your previous home when you need to discuss your frustrations or speak your native language.
Stay curious. Think of obstacles like figuring out your bus route or shopping for groceries as opportunities to explore your new life.

Finding the middle ground takes practice

When you are from different cultures, meeting your spouse, family members, or neighbors halfway takes practice. The tips above can put you on the right path toward bridging the gap.

If you need additional help communicating with your partner or family member from another culture, or are struggling to navigate the anxieties of a new life, please reach out to me.

I can guide you through depression, anxiety, couples counseling, and similar issues. Schedule an appointment (video or in-person) with me now.

The post Marriage and Family: Navigating Cultural Differences for Healthier Relationships appeared first on Serene Shift.

How to Manage Anxiety and Panic Attacks More Effectively

sereneshift — Sat, 01 Aug 2020 22:18:37 +0000

How to Manage Anxiety and Panic Attacks More Effectively

How much time and mental energy do we spend stressing about what could occur tomorrow, next month, or next year? How often do we worry about trying to prevent something that might never happen?

Anxiety is the body’s way of responding to stressful situations, creating a fight-or-flight response in the face of danger. When your sympathetic nervous system activates, it increases heart rate and alertness, preparing you for action.

Occasional anxiety can be helpful when responding to a serious threat or in less deadly situations that need our attention, like preparing for a job interview.

Frequent anxiety and panic attacks, however, can be very harmful to mental and physical health. If you are constantly in activation mode, geared up for action and anxious and worried over everyday events, your body and mind can become debilitated.

Developing healthy habits to prevent and respond to anxiety is essential for staying calm, happy, and at your best. In this article, I’m explaining what you need to know about anxiety:

The causes and symptoms of anxiety
How to manage anxiety in the short and long term
How to get through panic attacks
Strategies for minimizing everyday anxiety and feeling calmer and more grounded

Types of Anxiety Disorders and Symptoms

We’ve all experienced anxiety at one time or another. It’s normal to sometimes worry about things like performing well at work or school, raising kids, and going on a first date.

Anxiety disorders go beyond normal worrying. People with anxiety disorders experience frequent, intense, and persistent worry about everyday scenarios. Common symptoms include the following.

Feeling nervous, tense, or restless
A sense of panic or impending doom
Trouble focusing on anything but worrying
Feeling weak or tired
Fatigue and/or trouble sleeping
Higher than normal heart rate
Sweating and/or trembling
Hyperventilation

Anxiety disorders come in many forms. Below are three of the most common types.

Generalized anxiety disorder: Excessive worrying or fear for little or no reason. The worry and fear can be constant and debilitating.
Panic disorder: Sudden and overwhelming fear that triggers a panic attack. Symptoms of a panic attack include chest pain, excessive sweating, noticeable heartbeat (palpitations), and shortness of breath.
Social anxiety disorder: Intense worrying or self-consciousness in social situations. People with social anxiety disorder may obsess over being embarrassed in front of others.

What Causes Anxiety?

Triggers are cues in the environment which can lead to anxiety. They can be external or caused internally via the senses. Common anxiety triggers include:

Sensations (such as smell or touch) that remind you of a traumatic event, such as a medical emergency
Revisiting traumatic areas, like a certain room or street
Overwhelming environments
Thoughts of the future or past
Thoughts about something you haven’t finished
Focusing on something you wished was different or didn’t happen
Financial stress
Health conditions and/or medications
Thinking about anxiety (anxiety or panic attacks can be triggered by the mere thought of having anxiety)

Normally, anxiety is a natural and temporary response to stress. However, it is important to note that frequent feelings of anxiety condition our brains to have more anxiety in the future.

If you’ve gone through this and now experience constant anxiety or fear that becomes overwhelming, you may be dealing with an anxiety disorder.

How to Manage Anxiety

Shifting to a healthier, more sustainable way of thinking is not easy. How does anyone break unhealthy habits? The answer is: greater awareness.

Our brains are so complex, yet can be simple when we really understand the wiring that forms unhealthy results. To alter unhealthy habits, our brains need new information in order to carve out new pathways that lead to different results.

By noticing the negative results of your actions–for example, worrying about tomorrow immediately makes it more difficult to breathe–you become more aware of your behavior and sensations.

This creates more clarity and understanding so you can begin to “uncondition” your brain and have a healthier attachment with anxiety. You can find a path to reset your brain and create more effective behavior. The more aware you are, the less overwhelming anxiety and panic attacks will be.

To address anxiety long-term:

1. Pay attention to your triggers.

2. Notice how they make you feel.

3. Be curious and investigate the behaviors they create.

Greater awareness can help to reset unhealthy behaviors and improve health and quality of life in the long run.

For your day-to-day needs, try implementing one of the following strategies. Once you’ve mastered that one, move on to the others.

1. Breath into anxiety

Anxiety can cause shallow breathing or shortness of breath, which can sometimes lead to even greater anxiety. In these moments, focus on your breathing. Mindful breathing is an easy way to relieve anxiety, decrease stress and depression, and help with chronic pain.

1. Sit or stand in a quiet area. Close your eyes.

2. Put your hands on your stomach.

3. Breathe in “calm” through your nose for 5 counts, hold for 5 counts. Open your mouth and breath out “anxiety” for 5 counts.

4. Notice your stomach rise and fall. Feel your heartbeat slow and become more even.

5. Do this 5 times.

6. Ask: What do you notice in your body?

Quick tip: Many of my patients also find it helpful to count breaths in order to calm themselves. For example, breathe in on 1, breath out on 2. Repeat, continuing to count 1-2, 1-2, or count up to 10 before starting over.

2. Examine your body (Body Scan)

In moments of extreme anxiety, shift your attention and focus to your physical sensations in your body.

Can you hear your heart beating?
Do you notice more sensations in the right or left side of your chest?
Do you feel heat in your chest?
Does your chest feel heavy or hollow?
What do you notice in your stomach?
Do you notice pressure, tension, tightness, emptiness, heaviness, heat, a prickly feeling, unease, pain, fidgeting, restlessness?
How does your jaw feel?

Embrace your attention with curiosity. The more specific and curious you are with the sensations in your body, the more resilience you will build when experiencing anxiety symptoms.

This is one technique that will guide you to lean toward your difficult sensations (resilience and strength) rather than resisting them (which makes anxiety symptoms worse).

3. Notice what you are experiencing

One quick tip that I often share with my patients: bring awareness to what is already happening. When a panic attack hits, recognize that you’re having a panic attack and know that it will eventually pass.

Accept that you know what is happening, you know what to do, and that you will be okay. Remember that when you recognize your triggers, you are better prepared to handle triggers differently.

4. Build practical and daily routines

Having a practical daily routine creates space for you to feel secure, clear your mind, and ground yourself for your day. This will maximize your chances of being able to handle anxiety or panic more effectively and enhance your ability to regulate difficult emotions.

To start your routine, wake up a little earlier than you need to start your day. Spend 5 minutes in the morning alone to ground yourself.

For example: wake up, close your eyes for a body scan, then do 10 segments of short breathing exercises (counting 1-2, 1-2, etc.). Finish off by writing 3 things you are most thankful for today. When you get in the shower, bring attention to how the water feels on your back.

Also, give your body what it needs to thrive throughout the day. Eating a healthy diet is essential to good physical and mental health. Some foods in particular have been linked with reduced anxiety:

Salmon
Chamomile tea and green tea
Yogurt and other probiotic foods
Dark chocolate
Turmeric

Be sure to eat properly portioned meals at regular intervals to keep your energy levels consistent.

Lastly, don’t forget about the importance of sleep and exercise to your health. Anxiety can manifest physically in the body, especially if experienced long-term. Going to sleep and waking up at the same time every day takes care of your body and mind, injects calmness into your life, and minimizes anxiety.

5. Limit news and social media

In this fast-paced world, FOMO (the fear of missing out) can leave us glued to social media and news outlets. Endless feeds can make us addicted to the constant stream of information, much of which is negative and dramatic.

Experts call our addiction to negative news “doom scrolling.” This behavior can significantly contribute to anxiety and panic attacks.

Be aware of how actions affect your mental health. Notice what increases anxiety, such as ingesting too much news or social media. Assess whether you are more anxious after watching hours of the news and whether it is difficult for you to unplug from the constant stimulation.

These are indications that you may need to minimize news and social media. Ask yourself, “Is watching/reading/listening to this going to be helpful for me?” If the answer is no, realize that you have the control to walk away from something that is harmful to you.

6. Don’t avoid your anxiety — focus on what you can change

When faced with anxiety and/or panic attacks it’s often tempting to avoid triggers altogether, but trying to distract yourself from symptoms will also increase symptoms.

If you notice the symptoms coming, let them come. Ask yourself, “In this moment, what do I have control of?” Then, continue to identify your triggers and work on building a healthy response to anxiety-inducing situations in order to build resilience.

If you need assistance along the way, I am an experienced psychologist who specializes in anxiety disorders, depression, and more. I help patients “reset” ingrained thinking spirals that cause and exacerbate anxiety, and guide them toward a more serene life.

Contact me now to schedule a virtual appointment.

The post How to Manage Anxiety and Panic Attacks More Effectively appeared first on Serene Shift.

5 Marriage Issues That Can Lead to Divorce (and How to Fix Them)

sereneshift — Thu, 09 Jul 2020 17:38:23 +0000

5 Marriage Issues That Can Lead to Divorce (and How to Fix Them)

We live in a fast-paced world full of rapid delivery, quick fixes, and immediate communication over high-speed internet. Primed to expect instant gratification, we can find a relationship with our intimate partner to be frustrating; it takes a lot of work, intention, trial and error, and experience.

Sometimes, things don’t always go as planned. The good news is that most struggling marriages experience a similar handful of problems and that these issues are fixable if both people are committed to the relationship.

Below, I explain five common marriage problems that can lead to divorce–and how to fix them to get your marriage back on track.

COMMON MARRIAGE PROBLEMS & THEIR SOLUTIONS

1. Unproductive fighting

Every marriage goes through periods of adversity. Fighting is expected. What sets successful marriages apart from others is learning how to fight in healthy ways, which can shift resentment into growth.

Most struggling married couples that I see in my practice tend to focus on who is “right” and who is “wrong,” which keeps them running on the hamster wheel of more pain and dissatisfaction. Let’s be honest, we all know how badly that feels.

How to move forward:

Remember that all human beings have the same need: to feel secure. We need to feel safe in our environment to function well.

In a marriage, this can get very complicated; if we fear our partner will leave, our fear of being left can turn into anger about being abandoned (emotionally, physically or sexually). All of this complicates our ability to communicate well and to “fight well.”

Learn what is going on with your partner underneath the verbal chatter. I encourage couples to focus on the physiological clues in their partner’s communications: body language, voice tone, facial expression, eye contact, body positioning, fluctuating breath, physical tics, etc.

Because body language can communicate much more than verbal language, focusing on it can leave spouses more attuned to each other’s wavelengths and encourage positive communication habits, such as active listening and responding.

It can also lead to body language mirroring between spouses, which may strengthen the relationship and translate to better verbal communication as well. In my experience, better communication means a better relationship.

2. Infidelity

The most important distinction between a friend who shares a connection with you and your marital partner is sex. We typically do not have sex with our friends, we have sex with our partner. As a result, we have a much stronger level of trust, loyalty, priority, and security with our partner.

When a spouse or partner cheats and breaks that bond, it can lead to a variety of negative effects in both people:

Loss of trust in the cheating partner
Feelings of anger, confusion, betrayal, shame, and guilt
A sense of emotional instability or loss
Decreased intimacy between partners, including sexual intimacy
Damaged confidence and self-esteem
Impacts to other areas of life, such as decreased work productivity or changes in relationships with other family members (e.g., children)

How to move forward:

Infidelity can be one of the most difficult relationship hurdles to overcome but it is possible to move forward.

In my practice, I often work with couples and individuals who are struggling with various marriage and relationship issues, including infidelity. Some spouses decide to work through it and we use couples therapy to help them get their relationship back to a good place. We explore issues and negative feelings around the infidelity and rebuild communication channels and trust.

Other times, couples decide to separate and we work through their divorce in a safe space. I act as a neutral third-party to help them communicate, focus on finding calm in the chaos, and course through separation step by step.

At that point, I frequently work with former spouses individually to help them discover what life looks like after divorce and how they can grow and maintain a sense of self. Who am I after my relationship? What is my life going to be like? How can I help my kids get through this? Those are the questions I help my patients to answer.

If you need help responding to infidelity in your relationship, schedule an appointment with me now.

3. Cultural differences or misaligned expectations

Every culture has its own relationship norms, gender roles, and ways of communicating, which can make relationships across cultures challenging for many couples. In my practice I frequently see Chinese-American couples or mixed-culture relationships (one Chinese partner and one American partner) struggling to navigate cultural differences, honoring their Chinese culture while also navigating American customs.

The most common marriage problem among these couples is mismatched expectations. For example, the husband believes that his spouse should be a mother and housekeeper while the wife wants to put off having kids to pursue her career.

Or, the wife believes that her husband should be more communicative of his feelings while the husband believes that men should be stoic.

How to move forward:

Communication is the best way to overcome mismatched expectations in a relationship. Share your culture with your partner and discuss some of the assumptions you bring to the relationship due to your background.

For example, if you and your spouse constantly argue over childcare duties, set aside some time to calmly talk about why.

Do you expect your spouse to stay at home and take care of the children throughout the day because that is the standard in your culture? Or do you expect your working spouse to contribute to childcare and house chores because your culture encourages an equal division of labor among spouses?

If you feel that your spouse is not as expressive in his or her feelings as you would like, discuss whether that behavior is typical in your spouse’s culture and why you expect your spouse to be open.

Not all relationship problems are caused by cultural differences, but you may be surprised how often culture and past experiences inform our expectations of our romantic partners.

4. Stagnation

At the beginning of a relationship, everything is fun and new. It’s easy to be in love and feel strongly connected as a couple.

Then, life gets busy. As time goes on, couples may feel like they’re no longer in sync or growing together. This can lead to resentment and other negative feelings about the relationship, which in turn pushes spouses further apart. It’s a vicious cycle that sometimes results in divorce.

How to move forward:

To reconnect with your spouse and grow closer as a couple, recreate the playfulness at the beginning of your relationship.

Plan small adventures, like getting away for the weekend or doing a fun cooking night at home.
Recreate past dates you both enjoyed and talk about your goals for the future.
Aim to do one kind thing for your spouse every day.

These are simple ways to build trust, reestablish connection, and remove resentment in your relationship.

5. Not adapting to change

Healthy, grounded people create healthy relationships. When relationships suffer, the individuals within those relationships also tend to suffer. If you are struggling in your marriage, it’s time to prioritize self-care in addition to focusing on your relationship with your significant other.

How to move forward:

When your relationship is shifting, being adaptable to change can help you get through the tough times.

Embracing change will help you maintain your sense of self and stay grounded even when things feel fast-paced or chaotic. A lot of times our natural inclination is to push back against change, but change can be a great thing for yourself and your relationship.

It starts with embracing change as a positive thing and learning to respond to all situations–even rough patches in your marriage–in a healthy way. Try the following tips to be more open to change and build a healthier marriage.

Understand that you both are constantly changing, evolving people. You will need to accept and embrace the new person you are today and do the same for your spouse, every day.
Never stop being curious. Try new things, learn new things about your spouse, and share things about yourself.
If you notice small things starting to annoy you or breed resentment, address them early on before they turn into big issues.

Big changes can be more of a challenge to overcome. If you need help with that or other marriage problems, including discussing divorce or getting through a divorce, I offer virtual appointments on a flexible schedule.

Schedule an appointment at Serene Shift now.

The post 5 Marriage Issues That Can Lead to Divorce (and How to Fix Them) appeared first on Serene Shift.

Going Back to Work After Coronavirus Lockdown: 5 Ways to Thrive

sereneshift — Mon, 01 Jun 2020 20:25:08 +0000

Going Back to Work After Coronavirus Lockdown: 5 Ways to Thrive

As shelter-in-place orders relax and people start returning to work and everyday life, we’re finally saying goodbye to cabin fever. But COVID-19 isn’t gone, leaving many of us with questions while going back to work or searching for a new job:

Is it safe to go back to work?
What things should we take into consideration when going back to work or looking for a new job?
How can we manage anxiety, stress, overwhelm, or rejection when returning to work or searching for a new job?

Below, I’m sharing 5 strategies to help you and your family stay well and thrive during this period of transition.

1. Accept that things may be different

While being able to go back to work can be a reassuring sign of improvement for both your life and the economy, it also doesn’t mean that everything will be perfect as soon as you walk in the office doors.

You may still be anxious about personal issues (the risk of getting sick, financial troubles, finding childcare, etc.), overwhelmed about being in close quarters with others after months of social isolation, less enthused than before about work, or missing coworkers who have been laid off.

To combat these negative feelings, try to remind yourself that change is a natural part of life. More than that, change can be great: getting outside of your comfort zone often leads to exciting opportunities and a new appreciation for aspects of life you previously overlooked, such as the ability to catch up with coworkers in person.

Your new work routine (or even your job itself) may not be exactly the same as before coronavirus, but recognizing that change can be positive–and that you have the ability to adapt to anything that comes your way–may soothe some anxiety about returning to work.

2. Develop resilience

In “Coronavirus: 5 Hidden Positives the Media Doesn’t Talk About,” I explain how important developing resilience–the ability to get through difficult circumstances–is during coronavirus. Resilience can help us stay mentally healthy and ward off negative feelings like anxiety, isolation, and depression.

Fortunately, resilience is a skill that anyone can develop. If you’ve lost a job or are going through financial difficulties, use the following tips to dust yourself off and push through what feels like a hopeless situation. You can come out on the other side stronger than before.

Embrace change.
Know that hope isn’t lost. You’ve made it through hardships before and you’ll do it again, so it’s best not to focus on the negative.
Practice optimism. Reflect on your skills and achievements, allowing yourself to feel confident about your past successes and those you can accomplish in a future job with those same traits.
Understand yourself and your needs. Practice self-care.
Look at what is causing you worry and stress, and then tackle those things. For example, if you’re worried about your health, take action to stay healthy–eat healthy foods, exercise regularly, and sleep enough. This could assuage your worries and leave your mind calmer.
Lean on your support network.
List achievable goals and break them down into actionable steps. These may be personal or work objectives. Setting realistic goals leads to progress and keeps your spirits up, which encourages further excitement about the future.

3. Work where you’re comfortable

Being able to go into work again can’t come soon enough for some, but others are understandably still wary about venturing into public due to health concerns.

Assess how comfortable you are with physically going into a workplace. What specific worries do you have about rejoining the workspace? Has your company (or the companies you’re applying to) put sufficient improvements in place to protect employees as much as possible?

If you’re not comfortable with your current employer’s response, speak with your manager or HR department about other arrangements. If you’re applying to a new role, speak to your recruitment contact about what preparations the company has put in place.

Don’t be afraid to have a discussion about flexible working arrangements, especially if you are immunocompromised or have close family members who are at risk. It never hurts to ask about working shifts that avoid high-traffic office hours or working from home. If you do end up working from home, use tip #4 to set yourself up for success.

4. Set boundaries between home and work

While working remotely can minimize the health worries of being among a large group of coworkers, it provides its own unique challenges. The two biggest issues people come to me about are:

The blurring between work time and home time
Feelings of isolation.

Without an option to physically leave the office at the end of the day, many of us tend to put in longer hours and feel like we’re constantly “on.” To combat this and protect your mental health, establish boundaries.

For example, try an “office hours” schedule with built-in breaks, a lunch hour, and a specific time to clock out. A good routine will ward off burnout. Along the same lines, blocking off 15 minutes to transition from the job mindset to a home mindset at the end of the workday can also smooth your mental shift towards relaxation time.

Think about it as time you’d normally spend driving home and decompressing from the day. Incorporate relaxing activities that typically help you separate yourself from work, such as listening to music or taking a rejuvenating walk.

5. Reach out for support

As coronavirus lockdown relaxes, it’s important to recognize that this is still a chaotic time and you may need extra support. If you need help getting through these uniquely challenging times, I’m available for virtual telehealth sessions using Zoom to discuss:

Anxiety
Fear
Overwhelm (lack of consistent schedule)
Panic disorders
Social isolation and loneliness
Depression
Insomnia
Parenting challenges
And more

I offer flexible scheduling to fit your needs. Please schedule your virtual telehealth appointment with me today.

The post Going Back to Work After Coronavirus Lockdown: 5 Ways to Thrive appeared first on Serene Shift.

Forget Homeschooling, It’s More Important to Keep Kids Mentally Healthy

sereneshift — Wed, 20 May 2020 23:30:14 +0000

Forget Homeschooling, It’s More Important to Keep Kids Mentally Healthy

In these strange times, many of us have new family priorities and responsibilities. These might include working from home while homeschooling the children, taking care of parents or elderly relatives, and helping kids adjust to new, chaotic surroundings or respond to the death of a loved one.

It’s tough to know what to prioritize and how.

I understand that and am here to tell you that right now, it’s more important to keep kids mentally healthy than to homeschool them — and it’s more important for parents to stay sane than to try to do everything “right.”

Why is homeschooling so tough right now?

Homeschooling is usually a carefully planned choice made by parents who have the time, skills, and resources to make it work in the long-term. After all, developing and implementing an age-appropriate curriculum requires a significant time commitment.

During this global emergency, many of us parents have had homeschooling thrust upon us, on top of working and tackling more financial and household responsibilities than ever.

Not surprisingly, we’ve found out just how difficult it is to make this arrangement work. Younger children can find formal learning challenges even at the best of times, but particularly when they are away from the structured school environment and without the company of their peers.

Add the fact that we are living in highly unusual circumstances, separated from friends and family, and it’s no wonder that children may be resisting our efforts to engage with anything academic!

Parents, meanwhile, may be dealing with a lack of support from their children’s schools and/or a huge amount of homeschooling work that seems impossible to complete. Many parents report feeling anxious when they see an email or text message arrive from their child’s school.

How to address homeschooling challenges

If you and/or your children find homeschooling too stressful or anxiety-inducing, protect your mental health by ignoring or unsubscribing from communications until you feel calmer and more equipped to deal with them.

It may also be helpful to call your child’s teacher, if he or she is available, and let them know that identifying one or two key tasks per week would be more useful than a neverending stream of suggestions.

Remember that any work is not compulsory and your child will not be penalized if it isn’t done. The best way to approach anything sent by your children’s schools is to consider it a resource to leverage as you please, rather than the ticking time bomb of stress-producing homework.

Consider these less stressful homeschooling alternatives

Textbooks aren’t the only way to learn during coronavirus lockdown. There are many creative activities that provide great learning for kids, without binding them to traditional educational methods.

Creative activities are equally valuable for developing existing skills along with acquiring new ones, and the following activities are perfect for young children:

Drawing, coloring, and painting
Modeling with dough or clay
Reading together
Singing (particularly nursery rhymes)
Counting (whether this is beads and blocks or butterflies!)
Water or sand play
Den building

For older children, try these learning activities:

Brain puzzles like Sudoku, crosswords, and word searches
Free reading — feel free to move away from curriculum and let them choose their own materials
Online learning for kids, such as spelling or math apps
Jigsaw puzzles
Playing musical instruments or instructional video games
Baking and cooking
Planting a vegetable garden
Building with Legos
Listening to TED Talks
Researching topics online and presenting findings as a talk or powerpoint
Writing emails to family and friends
Watching educational and age-appropriate YouTube videos

Just remember that children need downtime to relax and recharge between meaningful activities. What this looks like depends on the needs of the individual child, but might include calling friends or family members, watching their favorite TV shows, playing games, reading, running in the garden, or playing with toys.

It’s also important that amidst the chaos, we find a few quiet moments with our children. Read, hug, or watch a movie. Talking to kids openly and honestly about the current situation, and the fact that even adults are trying to come to terms with these uncertain times, is the best way to help them manage overwhelming feelings.

A good rule of thumb is to listen first and talk second, letting your children lead the way with conversations about coronavirus and mental health.

How to build a routine that doesn’t revolve around homeschooling

Under any circumstances, children thrive with a good routine. Now more than ever, predictability is important in helping your child feel safe and secure.

Try to get up, do your morning routine, and eat breakfast at the same time. Build a couple of meaningful activities into your day and allow plenty of time for daily exercise, free play, and relaxation. Stick to your child’s usual bath and bedtime routine — getting enough sleep is vital.

You can also help protect your child’s mental health by ensuring that they eat a reasonably balanced diet that’s low in sugar and high in vegetables and whole grains, with lots of healthy snacks. Also feel free to indulge with sugary treats every once in a while.

Focus on your biggest responsibility

Right now, our job as parents must include showing our children how to manage anxiety in a healthy way. Anxiety is a recurring part of life and this is the perfect opportunity to teach children how to cope with it and respond with strength.

We can do this by being in the moment and staying adaptive to an ever-changing environment. Focus on what you have control over in the here and now, like the physical sensations in your body. Build awareness of how you feel in the present moment instead of thinking what might come to be in the future. Teach your child these strategies as well.

Also, help your child identify his or her worst fear. Get specific. Gaining clarity over exactly what we fear most oftentimes expands our acceptance and brings a sense of calm — we think “Hey, I can handle that.” This can lead to inner resilience and strength.

If children are struggling with anxiety, depression, isolation, eating disorders, or other negative behaviors, arrange for them to speak to a professional.

Lastly, it’s important to schedule time out for ourselves wherever possible. When we’re feeling calm and relaxed, it’s easier to keep our anxieties about homeschooling and parenting in perspective.

Tip: Check out these 9 self-care tips to beat isolation and loneliness.

Go easy on yourself and enjoy being a parent

Coping with the COVID-19 outbreak is a huge challenge, and we’re all anxious about the impact of the crisis on our children’s education and future prospects.

Instead of allowing our worries about homeschooling to spiral out of control, pursuing unrealistic targets and berating ourselves when we fail to meet them, we can focus on what can be done in the here and now to protect our own and our children’s mental health.

If you need help navigating these tough times and dealing with parenting challenges, relationship issues, depression, overwhelm, fear, anxiety, or similar issues, please schedule a virtual telehealth appointment with me.

I am offering a sliding scale for anyone who needs assistance.

The post Forget Homeschooling, It’s More Important to Keep Kids Mentally Healthy appeared first on Serene Shift.

Coronavirus: 5 Hidden Positives the Media Doesn’t Talk About

sereneshift — Sat, 02 May 2020 00:53:30 +0000

Coronavirus: 5 Hidden Positives the Media Doesn’t Talk About

There’s no denying that times are tough. The COVID-19 outbreak has affected each of us emotionally, financially, and physically, with drowning media coverage continuously reporting negative news. It’s easy to lose sight of the positive parts of life.

In fact, as humans we are programmed to exaggerate external threats and danger. Although this kept us safe during our hunter-gatherer days, it’s not a particularly healthy behavior during a pandemic–it just leads to the global panic and anxiety that we’ve seen recently.

This is an opportunity for us to enhance our lives in a much more meaningful way, bringing good lessons with us as we emerge from this dark phase into a different and possibly better world. When there is a crisis, there is always space for a new light to shine through.

Let’s pause and take a moment to examine some of the good things that can arise during hard times. Below are just a few of the hidden positives about the coronavirus crisis that the media isn’t talking about.

1. Learning that some of the best things in life are free

During a crisis, our attention often gets redirected toward things we typically take for granted. When people have asthma, they may feel more grateful for breathing air into their lungs. Struggling with diabetes can provide an opportunity to shift our focus to appreciate eating healthy food that allows our bodies to feel balanced and energized. Someone with a broken arm may notice better movement in their shoulders.

Likewise, instead of dwelling on what we’ve lost during the coronavirus outbreak, many of us are finding new sources of fulfillment. It’s not that we don’t miss our “old” lives–of course we all do. But we’re also discovering simple pleasures that enrich daily life and don’t cost much.

My friends who loved eating out, going on exotic vacations, and visiting the gym daily before the coronavirus outbreak are now taking exploratory walks around their neighborhoods, learning to draw, and studying another language.

People all over the world are joining home workout groups online, where they encourage each other and share their progress. Virtual book clubs are on the rise and Joe Wicks, the now famous P.E. teacher, is leading free online exercise classes for kids.

Once lockdown is over, we may find that spending money is no longer our go-to when we’re looking for a fun way to fill the hours. Simply spending time together, pursuing a new hobby, or enjoying the great outdoors may be enough.

2. Expanding resilience and inner strength

Though many of us are experiencing unprecedented levels of anxiety and uncertainty, we’re also coping admirably under very difficult circumstances, drawing on strength and resilience we didn’t know we had.

Families are making do with less, finding creative ways to use what’s in their pantries and around the house to stay fed and entertained. Spouses and partners are finding ways to work through relationship challenges in close quarters, even strengthening their bond during these tough times.

Recently unemployed professionals are fighting through the anxiety and uncertainty every day, continuing to have hope for the future. Many of us are also taking time for ourselves–something that often gets relegated to the bottom of the to-do list in “normal” times.

Although we didn’t ask for this situation, we can get through it stronger than ever. Let’s focus on building up our reserves by practicing great self care, rather than allowing them to be depleted by a constantly evolving situation that brings new stresses on a daily basis.

We can take advantage of having a little more downtime than usual by learning to practice mindfulness and meditation, calming and centering techniques that can be built into our daily lives to help us face uncertainty with greater resilience.

It’s also important to practice greater self-compassion as we navigate this difficult time, and allow ourselves to feel a range of often conflicting emotions without judgment.

3. Really connecting with others

Instead of destroying or diminishing the bonds between separated loved ones, the COVID-19 outbreak has strengthened friendships and family ties, with many of us making more effort than ever before to stay in touch with those we usually depend on… and not just via social media and email, but by picking up the phone to hear their voice or see their face.

We’re appreciating our loved ones better than ever, remembering how much we need their practical and emotional support. Many of us are also making new connections during the crisis, through helping elderly and vulnerable neighbors, using social media to network for employment opportunities, and forming online support groups to share knowledge around issues like homeschooling.

Examples of kindness and generosity are evident on all social media platforms, with strangers helping each other track down job opportunities and supporting each other with motivational words.

These new friendships will outlast the current crisis and make us more attentive to the needs of those who live around us. We may also find it easier to ask for help when we need it in the future.

4. Taking a break from busy

Waking up without an action-packed to do list each day can be an unusual and challenging experience. We’re so accustomed to filling every waking moment with frantic activity that an abundance of downtime can feel foreign. Given a little time to adjust, it can also feel fantastic!

We are finally slowing down. Over-productivity, over-consumption, over-working, addiction, living in the past or future, trying to complete your entire to-do list–these are all imbalances COVID-19 can help us overcome.

I’ve heard from several parents who are enjoying a break from their fast-paced daily routine of working, helping with homework, chauffeuring kids to activities, getting ready for bed, and trying to fit in house chores. They’re using their newfound freedom and time to play board games with the kids, enjoy baking together, and making up games in the backyard.

None of us would have chosen this as our preferred way to rediscover free time, but a lot of us are grateful to take a break from busyness nonetheless. Without the need to live our lives at breakneck speed right now, we are embracing a new sense of acceptance. We’re learning how to mindfully inhabit the moment and find greater balance and calm.

5. Remembering what is most important

Raise your hand if you’re giving your family, health, and home a little more TLC lately. Getting caught up in a crisis has a unique way of showing us what is really important: our loved ones, good health, wellbeing, and surroundings.

The coronavirus outbreak has given us the opportunity to take stock and ask ourselves: Am I spending my time and energy on what really matters? Am I showing the right amount of care and compassion that I, and my loved ones, deserve? Am I communicating enough how much I appreciate them?

Instead of seeing the lockdown purely as a burden, many of us are beginning to regard this time as an opportunity to assess the way we usually live, and change our habits for the better.

We’re becoming more mindful of our health and kinder to our bodies. During normal times, it’s easy to get wrapped up in maintaining a certain physical appearance because we think that’s the key to looking good or feeling happy. We may even get plastic surgery to achieve these goals. During lockdown, many of us are focused more on staying healthy than trying to achieve an unrealistic body image.
We are more appreciative of how our society operates. We’re aware of the complex chain of production, supply, and maintenance that allows us to live the way we live.
We’re caring for others and reconnecting as a community. Being considerate of others is what defines our DNA and reminds us how we are all uniquely connected. Connection is what builds inner strength, not separation.

The world isn’t all sunny right now, but I think those are things to be grateful for… and that gratitude can actually help us get through this.

When we express gratitude, our brains release dopamine and serotonin, two neurotransmitters that provide an instant natural ‘lift.’ Practicing gratitude regularly and purposefully allows us to increase the default levels of these chemicals in our brains, leaving us happier on a daily basis. Gratitude is better for our health and better for those around us.

Focusing on the positives is not easy, but it is important

The world has weathered many storms and through it all, human beings have amazingly endured.

It’s up to us how we view the time we must spend on lockdown and where we place our energies during the outbreak. We can spend it focused on negative news outlets or on the positives that help us come out of this better than before.

I know this is easier said than done. If you’re experiencing depression, anxiety, fear, panic disorders, social isolation and loneliness, relationship or parenting challenges, and similar challenges, please reach out to me.

I’m here to help you and your family get through these hard times, and am available for virtual telehealth sessions using Zoom. I am also offering a sliding payment scale for anyone who needs assistance.

The post Coronavirus: 5 Hidden Positives the Media Doesn’t Talk About appeared first on Serene Shift.

[Coronavirus] 7 Secrets to a Happy Marriage in Close Quarters

sereneshift — Tue, 14 Apr 2020 19:50:14 +0000

[Coronavirus] 7 Secrets to a Happy Marriage in Close Quarters

With most states under “shelter in place” orders due to COVID-19, you’re probably spending more time at home with your partner than ever before. Tight quarters mixed with anxiety, fear, financial constraints, and uncertainty… well, that can create some difficult emotions.

Going through relationship issues is expected and absolutely okay! The good news is that this can be an opportunity for you to strengthen the parts of your relationship that need nourishing attention.

I’m sharing my insights gathered over years of counseling spouses and partners through a variety of relationship issues, as well as guiding couples through divorce. Here’s how to build a happy marriage in tight quarters.

1- Clear, respectful communication

Positive communication is essential throughout any great marriage, but even more important during the tough times. When things are chaotic, thoughtful and consistent communication with your partner can ease tensions and create a more harmonious living environment.

Create a list of personal boundaries you and your spouse might need. For example, when you first wake up in the morning, perhaps you need 10 minutes of alone time to check emails before any coffee or intimate interaction. Creating and honoring necessary boundaries will hopefully encourage more positive interactions and minimize negative ones.

When something does bother you, resist the temptation to “punish” your partner with the silent treatment or brooding until things boil over. Calmly and clearly discuss how to change or stop the behaviors that are causing you stress.

Try to focus on yourself and your own emotions rather than focusing on what your partner is doing or not doing. Homing in on what your partner “lacks” or is “doing wrong” will only exacerbate the situation.

If things become heated, take a bath or a walk to balance your emotions and brain. Continue a discussion only when you’re able to respond to your partner with control and intention, which will strengthen your bond.

Respectful communication habits like these will ensure that you’re treating your spouse as an ally, a loved one, and a source of support and comfort rather than as an enemy. Oftentimes, couples going through a divorce report that they and their former spouse stopped positively communicating long before deciding upon separation (and in fact, may be separating because of the lack of communication).

2- Dedicated date time

Carve out some time to reconnect with your partner every day, giving each other time and space to talk about your feelings, anxieties, and goals, and challenges. Do this whenever it works for your schedule, such as first thing in the morning or after the kids go to bed.

When you have a little more time to spend, don’t forget those weekly date nights! You may have to get a little more creative but that’s no reason to stop. Here are just a few ideas for indoor date nights:

Cooking a fancy meal together
Snuggling on the couch with a movie
Listening to an audiobook while sharing a bottle of your favorite wine
Playing a board game
Enjoying a collaborative video game, like Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime, Overcooked! 2, or Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes, a playful bomb defusal video game that requires clear communication and team strategizing to solve puzzles
Channeling your inner child and building a fort to cuddle in

Making dedicated date time a part of your routine reaffirms your commitment to building your marriage during difficult times–even if all you can spare is 10 minutes a day or a few hours per week.

3- Walking a mile in their shoes

Appreciate that your husband or wife is experiencing his/her own unique set of pressures and anxieties that may be completely different to yours.

For example, if your spouse was the main breadwinner and is now furloughed from their job, they may feel guilty about their current inability to provide. Or, if he/she is now trying to manage the kids’ e-learning, they may be floundering in their new role as teacher and stay-at-home parents.

Embrace compassion (for your spouse and yourself) and understand that we’re all doing our best. If they are frustrated in their new role and you’re frustrated at their negative feelings, take a moment to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Practice compassion and empathy.

This will help you to understand the motivations behind their behaviors, so you have the emotional bandwidth to offer gentle support rather than harsh criticism. When you need support, ask your spouse to practice compassion in return. It’s more important than ever to face problems as a united front, which can help you build a stronger and happier marriage.

4- Keeping in touch

During lockdown, it may seem like members of the family are on top of each other–but you may actually be touching your partner less than normal as you grapple with anxieties about the current crisis.

Humans aren’t meant to be isolated; we’re stronger together. Reach out and touch your partner. Try a warm and reassuring hug, a gentle hand on the arm when the kids are pushing boundaries, a loving kiss, or more intimate touching if the mood is right.

Simple touches can go a long way. It naturally helps to build a happy marriage by communicating “I’m here with you” and releases the mood boosting hormone serotonin while lowering the stress hormone cortisol.

5- Self-care for you and your spouse

During this stressful period, you may find yourself neglecting the self-care you’d normally practice in favor of caring for others and taking on additional responsibilities.

If you don’t look after yourself during this difficult time, however, there will be nothing left to offer your partner or children. “Put your own oxygen mask on first” is a cliche, but it’s a cliche for a reason: you must take care of yourself to be able to give to others.

There are many ways to practice self-care during lockdown and alleviate rising stress, anxiety, and negative emotions–check out my favorite self-care tips designed to beat loneliness and isolation.

If you can’t find the time for self-care around caring for kids and doing chores, make a plan with your partner. Switch off taking care of the kids to give your spouse the opportunity to unwind or choose a code word to indicate self-care emergencies.

Tip: When it’s your turn to care for the kids, use these strategies to be present and connect more fully with them.

6- Rearranging your living space

Do you and/or your spouse need to work from home during lockdown? This is an easy road to arguments over how space, work time, and childcare are divided.

To minimize the stress of co-working and cohabitating, designate areas of your home for work, relaxation, and playtime. Move furniture if necessary, declutter spaces, and commit to keeping them clean and tidy. Discuss open/closed door policies so you and your spouse can both enjoy your space.

If you don’t have the space to designate two office areas, devise a schedule so that one partner takes the space for several hours before switching. This is also helpful if you’re juggling work with childcare, as everyone knows where they should be and what they should be doing at any given time–avoiding arguments over who takes responsibility for what tasks.

7- Imagining the future

It’s easy to get so caught up with daily struggles that we forget to look to the future. Someday this crisis will be over and life will return to normal, perhaps even better than it was before. Brainstorm some things you’d like to do with your partner, friends, and family when this is all over:

Vacations
Big career goals
Significant personal events like renewing wedding vows, planning for a baby, or moving
Smaller everyday things like returning to your favorite restaurant or gym
Long-term life goals

Making plans creates excitement over the future, provides something to look forward to, and most importantly, gives you something to build your marriage toward. Enjoy dreaming about your big and small goals, and enjoy being with your spouse in mindful ways while at home together.

If you need some extra marriage or relationship guidance during these stressful times, I offer virtual telehealth sessions using Zoom and can work around your schedule. I am also offering a sliding scale for anyone who needs assistance.

Please schedule your virtual telehealth appointment with me now.

The post [Coronavirus] 7 Secrets to a Happy Marriage in Close Quarters appeared first on Serene Shift.

Self-Care During Coronavirus: 9 Tips to Beat Loneliness and Isolation

sereneshift — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 17:05:50 +0000

Self-Care During Coronavirus: 9 Tips to Beat Loneliness and Isolation.

With California recently announcing a statewide shelter in place order aimed at preventing the spread of Coronavirus, it looks like many of us are going to be hunkered down at home for the foreseeable future.

While good for public health, this isolation can take a toll on your psyche. Under the best of times, retreating from the world can easily lead to loneliness, anxiety and depression, and physical symptoms related to these mental health challenges.

Add in the additional stresses that millions of us are now dealing with–health concerns, job loss, worrying about bills, keeping kids engaged with e-learning–and the chances of feeling isolated, lonely, and anxious go way up. Fortunately, there are steps you can take during Coronavirus lockdown to:

Ward off loneliness
Feel connected with your community and social circles
De-stress
Feel less anxious
Establish good, balanced mental health

Read on to discover these strategies for better self-care during challenging times.

1-Name your emotions

Take a moment to assess how you’re feeling. Do you feel anxious? Depressed? Overwhelmed?

Try naming your emotions and identifying the feeling with an explanation. For example, “I’m anxious in my chest right now because I’m worried about draining my finances.” It sounds simple, but it really can help you calmly assess your emotions and lead to a greater sense of control and balance.

2-Find a routine that works for you

Humans are habitual creatures. Routines are comforting and help us make sense of life’s chaos. If you’re no longer going into the office or attending happy hour like normal, you might feel a little lost or unproductive.

Create a new routine. Set realistic, manageable goals for yourself and follow a ritual that makes sense for you.

Maintain good sleep hygiene: Wake up and go to bed at the same time every day. Keep your bedroom a quiet, calm space.
Exercise in any way you can–if possible, get outside and go on a walk with your spouse or your dog.
Eat a healthy, balanced diet, with set mealtimes and regular snacks.
Set boundaries between work from home time and personal time.
Feel free to binge Netflix but be mindful of how many hours you spend in front of the TV.

3-Keep in touch (without touching)

Suddenly being cut off from friends, family, coworkers, and small everyday social interactions can severely impact your mental health during times of crisis. Positive social support improves our resilience for coping with stress, even when practiced at a distance.

Catch up with your next door neighbors over the garden fence (keeping a distance of at least 6 feet) or host an event from your balcony.

4-Use tech tools

Use FaceTime or Skype for video calling. These are not only great tools for remote working and communicating with friends and family, they are also a fantastic way to keep small children occupied on a call with grandparents while you take care of household chores or catch up on work. Businesses are even using video tools to host virtual happy hours.

Email, text messages, and messaging apps (WhatsApp, Slack, etc.) can also help you feel like part of the group again.

Start group messages for family where you regularly check in and share updates
Swap photos of your creative indoor activities with friends
Create a thread with your coworkers where you share your best moments from the day, favorite work from home tips, and maybe even photos of your fluffy coworkers (your pets!)

5-Be “social”… but not too social

Sites like Twitter and Facebook can be a breeding ground for gossip and misinformation about Coronavirus, so exercise caution. Instead of endlessly scrolling through posts containing conflicting information, use social media to join support groups for those in similar situations to yourself, such as those homeschooling their kids or supporting elderly relatives.

6-Enjoy quality time with housemates

If you’re in Coronavirus lockdown with family members or roommates, check in with the people you are living with. This is a great opportunity to work on your existing relationships and spend quality time together, from playing with your kids in the garden or enjoying family activities like baking and painting. Coming together in these moments is a great way to collectively fight anxiety and depression.

7-Enjoy quality time with yourself

Looking after yourself well, and learning how and when to soothe yourself when lockdown or social distancing get tough, will be essential to getting through the coming weeks and months. Here are just a few ideas.

Treat yourself to a DIY massage, manicure, or pedicure.
Take a hot bath.
Curl up with a good book.
Write in a journal.
Try a fitness or yoga routine from YouTube.
Do guided meditation.
Doodle or enjoy a coloring book.

8-Know yourself

Some people can be more prone to feelings of anxiety, depression, or loneliness during social distancing and lockdown, such as people with a history of these challenges, elderly people who live alone, single parents with young children, and those who recently lost jobs (and the social and financial support that those jobs provided).

If you’ve experienced anxiety or depression in the past or you feel that you’re more prone to isolation and loneliness right now, make self-care a special priority and be aware that you may need to reach out to a professional for extra help.

9-Focus on balance

Self-care is more important than ever during these tough times. By creating balance in your mind, body, and spirit, you can find the calm that leads to clarity, ward off anxiety and depression, and gain the strength to make decisions that best support you and your family.

If you need help creating balance in your life right now, please schedule a virtual appointment with me. I specialize in assisting teens and adults with depression, anxiety disorders, parenting challenges, and more.

The post Self-Care During Coronavirus: 9 Tips to Beat Loneliness and Isolation appeared first on Serene Shift.

Anxiety over Coronavirus? Here are 5 ways to find calm during chaos

sereneshift — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 20:30:56 +0000

Anxiety Over Coronavirus? Here are 5 Ways to Find Calm During Chaos.

With breaking news about Coronavirus (COVID-19) circulating every hour and stores selling out of food, your world may feel a little out of control.

It’s natural to be more anxious than normal, especially when there’s so much misinformation and wild rumor about the Coronavirus. The good news is that although you may not feel like it, you’re still completely in control of your life and your thoughts. You don’t have to feel anxious.

In this article, I’m sharing time-tested tips for identifying and managing anxiety during chaotic times. These are the same strategies that I use with my clients to help them reach clarity during a crisis, feel calmer, and ward off stress and worry.

First things first: is it worry or anxiety?

Day-to-day life can include moments of anxiety even at the best of times. Unexpected events like terrorist attacks or pandemics, however, are more likely to raise our baseline anxiety levels to the point where we struggle to do everyday activities like leaving the house, sleeping or eating a balanced diet.

When anxiety spirals out of control, this can lead to a condition known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Symptoms of GAD include:

Feelings of impending danger, panic, or dread
Tension
Increased sweating
Muscle twitching
Weakness and lethargy
Problems with sleeping
Undereating or overeating
Trouble concentrating on anything other than worries
Rapid heart rate and breathing

How to calm anxiety during a crisis

If you’ve started experiencing any of these anxiety symptoms since the outbreak of Coronavirus or have noticed an increase in their severity, there are many steps you can take to ease your suffering.

1. Be specific

When approaching any anxiety provoking situation, it’s important to be specific about what we fear. This can bring some sense of balance and a little more control to uncertain situations – after all, anxiety and fear are often about ‘not knowing.’

These simple steps will help you identify, investigate, and address your fears surrounding the coronavirus pandemic.

Be specific about what your fear is. For example, becoming sick, losing money in the stock market, losing your job, or the death of a loved one.
Ask yourself, “If this worst case scenario comes true, what will this look like and how will I handle it?”
Truly examine the odds of this actually happening to you, using a credible source rather than hearsay or cyclical thoughts.
What can you do in this moment, if anything, to prevent your worst fears from happening?
Integrate mindfulness tactics focused on being calm and present, like conscious breathing with self-soothing techniques, positive self talk, self-massage, and self-holding.

When we move towards and welcome our fears rather than resisting and running away from them, we can build strength around what we are most frightened of.

2. Stop the information overload

Rather than listening to gossip on social media or sensationalized reports from unreliable sources, take your information about the spread of Coronavirus from reliable sources such as:

CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)
WHO (World Health Organization), which recently added a myth-busters page to its information on COVID-19.

Getting information from reputable sources is a great way to cut through the over-dramatized rumors that often cause panic and anxiety.

3. Set healthy boundaries

If you find yourself obsessively checking for new information or constantly discussing the Coronavirus, start setting boundaries. Limit the amount of time you can spend focusing on Coronavirus.

Do something personally fulfilling with those freed up hours, such as an at-home yoga session, baking cookies with the kids, or playing chess or cards online or via FaceTime with an elderly relative.

By getting away from the frantic news cycle that lends itself to anxiety, fear, and panic, you may feel much more calm and centered. This is particularly important for children and teenagers, who can more easily lose a sense of security and become fearful in response to chaotic surroundings and emotions.

4. Enjoy mindful minutes

Mindfulness helps us manage anxiety by teaching us awareness of our physical and mental states – allowing us to ‘check in’ with ourselves and regain some control of our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.

There are many ways to practice mindfulness throughout your day to ease anxious feelings:

Do a guided meditation or mindfulness practice. Try apps like Headspace or Calm, or put on a free YouTube video.
Doodle, color, draw, or paint.
Go for a walk.
Express your gratitude for others.
Turn your attention outward. Look up and around you to draw focus from internal (worry) to external (noticing others). Notice the sights and smells around you.
Become aware of your breathing. Take slow, deliberate breaths. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Feel the breath flowing through your body.

5. Practice self-care

Many simple activities, when practiced daily, can have a powerful effect on managing anxiety:

Eating a healthy, balanced diet
Avoiding alcohol, caffeine, and sugar
Getting enough sleep
Exercising
Spending time in nature (research has shown that getting outdoors can lead to fewer negative thoughts, less anxiety, and lower stress!)
Counting to ten slowly
Taking a few quiet minutes for yourself
Talking to friends and family when you’re feeling overwhelmed

6. Do what you can, accept what you can’t control

Part of managing anxiety is letting go and accepting that you cannot control everything. The threat posed by Coronavirus is real, but there is only so much we can do as individuals to minimize risks.

Take the practical steps you can, including the following expert advice for limiting the spread of Coronavirus.

Wash your hands with soap and water regularly and thoroughly.
When coughing or sneezing, cover your mouth and nose with a tissue or sleeve (not your hands).
Place used tissues in the trash immediately.
Avoid close contact with people who are unwell.
Avoid gatherings of people.
Contact a doctor for advice if you experience Coronavirus symptoms (a dry cough, high temperature, or shortness of breath).
If possible, stay at home and ask family members to stay at home.

Outside of these practical steps, there’s not much you can do (at least at the time of writing this article). Accept that you have to let go of worrying about things that you can’t control.

If you or your teenage children need help managing anxiety during this chaotic time…

I’m here to help. Anxiety can manifest physically in the body if experienced long-term, and can also be associated with other disorders such as depression. Left untreated, anxious and negative thoughts can negatively impact your quality of life.

In these high-anxiety times, let’s work together to let go of negative thoughts and put you on a path toward calm and peace. Schedule a Skype appointment with me now.

The post Anxiety over Coronavirus? Here are 5 ways to find calm during chaos appeared first on Serene Shift.

Healing From Grudges: How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

sereneshift — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 18:48:02 +0000

Healing From Grudges: How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemy.” – Nelson Mandela

As much as we’d like to be, none of us are perfect. We all wrong and are wronged by others, whether intentionally or accidentally. At times we even mistreat and disappoint ourselves.

When this happens, you might feel resentful and angry, hold grudges, or even fantasize about taking revenge for crimes committed against you. You may struggle to find compassion for yourself or overcome strong emotions like guilt and shame.

These negative feelings are perfectly natural, but they can keep you from happiness and affect your physical health. Learning how to let go of slights and forgive can help you live a healthier, happier, and more peaceful life.

Why forgiveness is important

Buddha says, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else: you are the one who gets burned.”

Failing to let go of resentment can lead to chronic anger which places you in a constantly aroused state. Living in this fight or flight mode can cause increased heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response.

These changes can, in turn, lead to limiting and sometimes life threatening conditions like heart disease, diabetes, and depression.

It’s all too easy to hold a grudge, but learning how to actively practice forgiveness, whether for regular daily events or large life altering situations, can lead to a range of health benefits including:

Reduced anxiety and stress
Lower blood pressure
A stronger immune system
Improved heart health
Greater self-esteem
Reduced symptoms of depression.

By forgiving others or yourself, you’ll replace anger, guilt, and anxiety with peace and love.

But what does forgiveness really mean?

Although forgiveness can mean different things to different people, it’s generally understood as the process of letting go of anger, resentment, and thoughts of avenging a wrong that’s been inflicted on us.

When anger hardens, bitterness and resentment can grow–leading to a closed-off, rigid and limited life. Forgiveness can be a liberating and enriching experience and an opportunity for growth that helps us understand, empathize with, and show compassion for others, even if they haven’t extended us the same courtesy.

Forgiveness can also be extended to ourselves. Though the act of forgiveness will never right a wrong or erase history, it can help us feel more in control of our lives and more powerful when dealing with painful experiences in the future.

Common misconceptions about forgiveness

Many of us have deep rooted preconceptions or misconceptions about forgiveness that can act as barriers to letting go and moving on. It may be helpful to reframe our ideas about forgiveness so we can begin to see the benefits.

Forgiveness is not excusing, denying, or forgetting about actions that have caused you suffering.
Forgiveness is a personal process. You don’t have to tell someone who wronged you that you’ve forgiven them, unless it feels helpful to do so.
Forgiveness may not lead to instant ‘closure.’ It can be an ongoing process that we practice daily.
Forgiving someone for a misdemeanor like infidelity does not mean the situation is resolved and no further work needs to be done.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to keep them in your life.
Forgiveness shouldn’t be undertaken for the benefit of the person who wronged you (unless that person is yourself!).

When forgiveness is difficult

We all encounter circumstances where forgiveness is beneficial–both for ourselves and for others. It may be easy to let go of the short-lived anger you feel when someone cuts you off while driving or fails to hold a door open for you.

However, it’s much more difficult to move on from a deep wrong or betrayal that was performed by someone you love, respect, or trust. Situations where forgiving someone else would be difficult might include:

Discovering that your partner or spouse is having an affair.
Learning that a coworker, friend, or family member spoke badly about you behind your back.
Being fired from a job for a situation that you feel you weren’t responsible for.
Suffering mental or physical abuse at the hands of someone who should have cared for you.

Similarly, forgiving yourself can be difficult if:

You acted dishonestly and felt ashamed of your actions (for instance, if you took credit for work that wasn’t your own).
You acted irresponsibly or impulsively and harmed others by doing so.
You were unable to bring a perceived ‘weakness’ under control, like an addiction, eating disorder, or depression, and criticized yourself for not being ‘stronger.’
You experienced negative thoughts about or judged someone else too harshly.

How to forgive yourself or someone else

For many of us, especially those of us who struggle with self-acceptance and low self-esteem, forgiveness doesn’t happen naturally. Instead, we must commit to a process of turning anger and suffering into freedom and acceptance.

Here are 7 simple strategies you can use when trying to forgive yourself or someone else.

1. Identify
Identify what damage has taken place: who needs to be forgiven and for what?

2. Acknowledge
Acknowledge your feelings and the impact they have on your daily life, including any behaviors you’ve developed to cope with them. Instead of resisting feelings, simply label them like, “This is fear.”

3. Reframe
Reframe the way you perceive yourself, moving from a picture of you as a wronged victim to someone who’s in control and able to make positive changes.

4. Accept
Accept the person who wronged you as a flawed human being and appreciate that we are all capable of inflicting hurt on others.

5. Imagine
When you were hurt, it’s likely the other person was trying to have a need met – what was this need and why might the person have acted how they did? Imagine the person as an innocent child, scared and unsure how to act.

6. Notice
When you have repeating, ruminating negative thoughts about something that was done to you, notice these thoughts, stop yourself in the moment, and direct yourself back to the present. Notice the sounds around you, the smells in the air, the colors you see.

7. Consider
Accept the healing value of forgiveness and consider how it could enhance your life.

As you let go of grudges, you’ll no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt. Through forgiving yourself and/or others, you’ll find compassion and understanding and open the door for peace in your life.

I understand that oftentimes, this is easier said than done. If you need help forgiving someone else, treating yourself with compassion, and living in the present, please schedule an appointment with me now.

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