Forgiveness Archives - Serene Shift

5 Marriage Issues That Can Lead to Divorce (and How to Fix Them)

sereneshift — Thu, 09 Jul 2020 17:38:23 +0000

5 Marriage Issues That Can Lead to Divorce (and How to Fix Them)

We live in a fast-paced world full of rapid delivery, quick fixes, and immediate communication over high-speed internet. Primed to expect instant gratification, we can find a relationship with our intimate partner to be frustrating; it takes a lot of work, intention, trial and error, and experience.

Sometimes, things don’t always go as planned. The good news is that most struggling marriages experience a similar handful of problems and that these issues are fixable if both people are committed to the relationship.

Below, I explain five common marriage problems that can lead to divorce–and how to fix them to get your marriage back on track.

COMMON MARRIAGE PROBLEMS & THEIR SOLUTIONS

1. Unproductive fighting

Every marriage goes through periods of adversity. Fighting is expected. What sets successful marriages apart from others is learning how to fight in healthy ways, which can shift resentment into growth.

Most struggling married couples that I see in my practice tend to focus on who is “right” and who is “wrong,” which keeps them running on the hamster wheel of more pain and dissatisfaction. Let’s be honest, we all know how badly that feels.

How to move forward:

Remember that all human beings have the same need: to feel secure. We need to feel safe in our environment to function well.

In a marriage, this can get very complicated; if we fear our partner will leave, our fear of being left can turn into anger about being abandoned (emotionally, physically or sexually). All of this complicates our ability to communicate well and to “fight well.”

Learn what is going on with your partner underneath the verbal chatter. I encourage couples to focus on the physiological clues in their partner’s communications: body language, voice tone, facial expression, eye contact, body positioning, fluctuating breath, physical tics, etc.

Because body language can communicate much more than verbal language, focusing on it can leave spouses more attuned to each other’s wavelengths and encourage positive communication habits, such as active listening and responding.

It can also lead to body language mirroring between spouses, which may strengthen the relationship and translate to better verbal communication as well. In my experience, better communication means a better relationship.

2. Infidelity

The most important distinction between a friend who shares a connection with you and your marital partner is sex. We typically do not have sex with our friends, we have sex with our partner. As a result, we have a much stronger level of trust, loyalty, priority, and security with our partner.

When a spouse or partner cheats and breaks that bond, it can lead to a variety of negative effects in both people:

Loss of trust in the cheating partner
Feelings of anger, confusion, betrayal, shame, and guilt
A sense of emotional instability or loss
Decreased intimacy between partners, including sexual intimacy
Damaged confidence and self-esteem
Impacts to other areas of life, such as decreased work productivity or changes in relationships with other family members (e.g., children)

How to move forward:

Infidelity can be one of the most difficult relationship hurdles to overcome but it is possible to move forward.

In my practice, I often work with couples and individuals who are struggling with various marriage and relationship issues, including infidelity. Some spouses decide to work through it and we use couples therapy to help them get their relationship back to a good place. We explore issues and negative feelings around the infidelity and rebuild communication channels and trust.

Other times, couples decide to separate and we work through their divorce in a safe space. I act as a neutral third-party to help them communicate, focus on finding calm in the chaos, and course through separation step by step.

At that point, I frequently work with former spouses individually to help them discover what life looks like after divorce and how they can grow and maintain a sense of self. Who am I after my relationship? What is my life going to be like? How can I help my kids get through this? Those are the questions I help my patients to answer.

If you need help responding to infidelity in your relationship, schedule an appointment with me now.

3. Cultural differences or misaligned expectations

Every culture has its own relationship norms, gender roles, and ways of communicating, which can make relationships across cultures challenging for many couples. In my practice I frequently see Chinese-American couples or mixed-culture relationships (one Chinese partner and one American partner) struggling to navigate cultural differences, honoring their Chinese culture while also navigating American customs.

The most common marriage problem among these couples is mismatched expectations. For example, the husband believes that his spouse should be a mother and housekeeper while the wife wants to put off having kids to pursue her career.

Or, the wife believes that her husband should be more communicative of his feelings while the husband believes that men should be stoic.

How to move forward:

Communication is the best way to overcome mismatched expectations in a relationship. Share your culture with your partner and discuss some of the assumptions you bring to the relationship due to your background.

For example, if you and your spouse constantly argue over childcare duties, set aside some time to calmly talk about why.

Do you expect your spouse to stay at home and take care of the children throughout the day because that is the standard in your culture? Or do you expect your working spouse to contribute to childcare and house chores because your culture encourages an equal division of labor among spouses?

If you feel that your spouse is not as expressive in his or her feelings as you would like, discuss whether that behavior is typical in your spouse’s culture and why you expect your spouse to be open.

Not all relationship problems are caused by cultural differences, but you may be surprised how often culture and past experiences inform our expectations of our romantic partners.

4. Stagnation

At the beginning of a relationship, everything is fun and new. It’s easy to be in love and feel strongly connected as a couple.

Then, life gets busy. As time goes on, couples may feel like they’re no longer in sync or growing together. This can lead to resentment and other negative feelings about the relationship, which in turn pushes spouses further apart. It’s a vicious cycle that sometimes results in divorce.

How to move forward:

To reconnect with your spouse and grow closer as a couple, recreate the playfulness at the beginning of your relationship.

Plan small adventures, like getting away for the weekend or doing a fun cooking night at home.
Recreate past dates you both enjoyed and talk about your goals for the future.
Aim to do one kind thing for your spouse every day.

These are simple ways to build trust, reestablish connection, and remove resentment in your relationship.

5. Not adapting to change

Healthy, grounded people create healthy relationships. When relationships suffer, the individuals within those relationships also tend to suffer. If you are struggling in your marriage, it’s time to prioritize self-care in addition to focusing on your relationship with your significant other.

How to move forward:

When your relationship is shifting, being adaptable to change can help you get through the tough times.

Embracing change will help you maintain your sense of self and stay grounded even when things feel fast-paced or chaotic. A lot of times our natural inclination is to push back against change, but change can be a great thing for yourself and your relationship.

It starts with embracing change as a positive thing and learning to respond to all situations–even rough patches in your marriage–in a healthy way. Try the following tips to be more open to change and build a healthier marriage.

Understand that you both are constantly changing, evolving people. You will need to accept and embrace the new person you are today and do the same for your spouse, every day.
Never stop being curious. Try new things, learn new things about your spouse, and share things about yourself.
If you notice small things starting to annoy you or breed resentment, address them early on before they turn into big issues.

Big changes can be more of a challenge to overcome. If you need help with that or other marriage problems, including discussing divorce or getting through a divorce, I offer virtual appointments on a flexible schedule.

Schedule an appointment at Serene Shift now.

The post 5 Marriage Issues That Can Lead to Divorce (and How to Fix Them) appeared first on Serene Shift.

Healing From Grudges: How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

sereneshift — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 18:48:02 +0000

Healing From Grudges: How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemy.” – Nelson Mandela

As much as we’d like to be, none of us are perfect. We all wrong and are wronged by others, whether intentionally or accidentally. At times we even mistreat and disappoint ourselves.

When this happens, you might feel resentful and angry, hold grudges, or even fantasize about taking revenge for crimes committed against you. You may struggle to find compassion for yourself or overcome strong emotions like guilt and shame.

These negative feelings are perfectly natural, but they can keep you from happiness and affect your physical health. Learning how to let go of slights and forgive can help you live a healthier, happier, and more peaceful life.

Why forgiveness is important

Buddha says, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else: you are the one who gets burned.”

Failing to let go of resentment can lead to chronic anger which places you in a constantly aroused state. Living in this fight or flight mode can cause increased heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response.

These changes can, in turn, lead to limiting and sometimes life threatening conditions like heart disease, diabetes, and depression.

It’s all too easy to hold a grudge, but learning how to actively practice forgiveness, whether for regular daily events or large life altering situations, can lead to a range of health benefits including:

Reduced anxiety and stress
Lower blood pressure
A stronger immune system
Improved heart health
Greater self-esteem
Reduced symptoms of depression.

By forgiving others or yourself, you’ll replace anger, guilt, and anxiety with peace and love.

But what does forgiveness really mean?

Although forgiveness can mean different things to different people, it’s generally understood as the process of letting go of anger, resentment, and thoughts of avenging a wrong that’s been inflicted on us.

When anger hardens, bitterness and resentment can grow–leading to a closed-off, rigid and limited life. Forgiveness can be a liberating and enriching experience and an opportunity for growth that helps us understand, empathize with, and show compassion for others, even if they haven’t extended us the same courtesy.

Forgiveness can also be extended to ourselves. Though the act of forgiveness will never right a wrong or erase history, it can help us feel more in control of our lives and more powerful when dealing with painful experiences in the future.

Common misconceptions about forgiveness

Many of us have deep rooted preconceptions or misconceptions about forgiveness that can act as barriers to letting go and moving on. It may be helpful to reframe our ideas about forgiveness so we can begin to see the benefits.

Forgiveness is not excusing, denying, or forgetting about actions that have caused you suffering.
Forgiveness is a personal process. You don’t have to tell someone who wronged you that you’ve forgiven them, unless it feels helpful to do so.
Forgiveness may not lead to instant ‘closure.’ It can be an ongoing process that we practice daily.
Forgiving someone for a misdemeanor like infidelity does not mean the situation is resolved and no further work needs to be done.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to keep them in your life.
Forgiveness shouldn’t be undertaken for the benefit of the person who wronged you (unless that person is yourself!).

When forgiveness is difficult

We all encounter circumstances where forgiveness is beneficial–both for ourselves and for others. It may be easy to let go of the short-lived anger you feel when someone cuts you off while driving or fails to hold a door open for you.

However, it’s much more difficult to move on from a deep wrong or betrayal that was performed by someone you love, respect, or trust. Situations where forgiving someone else would be difficult might include:

Discovering that your partner or spouse is having an affair.
Learning that a coworker, friend, or family member spoke badly about you behind your back.
Being fired from a job for a situation that you feel you weren’t responsible for.
Suffering mental or physical abuse at the hands of someone who should have cared for you.

Similarly, forgiving yourself can be difficult if:

You acted dishonestly and felt ashamed of your actions (for instance, if you took credit for work that wasn’t your own).
You acted irresponsibly or impulsively and harmed others by doing so.
You were unable to bring a perceived ‘weakness’ under control, like an addiction, eating disorder, or depression, and criticized yourself for not being ‘stronger.’
You experienced negative thoughts about or judged someone else too harshly.

How to forgive yourself or someone else

For many of us, especially those of us who struggle with self-acceptance and low self-esteem, forgiveness doesn’t happen naturally. Instead, we must commit to a process of turning anger and suffering into freedom and acceptance.

Here are 7 simple strategies you can use when trying to forgive yourself or someone else.

1. Identify
Identify what damage has taken place: who needs to be forgiven and for what?

2. Acknowledge
Acknowledge your feelings and the impact they have on your daily life, including any behaviors you’ve developed to cope with them. Instead of resisting feelings, simply label them like, “This is fear.”

3. Reframe
Reframe the way you perceive yourself, moving from a picture of you as a wronged victim to someone who’s in control and able to make positive changes.

4. Accept
Accept the person who wronged you as a flawed human being and appreciate that we are all capable of inflicting hurt on others.

5. Imagine
When you were hurt, it’s likely the other person was trying to have a need met – what was this need and why might the person have acted how they did? Imagine the person as an innocent child, scared and unsure how to act.

6. Notice
When you have repeating, ruminating negative thoughts about something that was done to you, notice these thoughts, stop yourself in the moment, and direct yourself back to the present. Notice the sounds around you, the smells in the air, the colors you see.

7. Consider
Accept the healing value of forgiveness and consider how it could enhance your life.

As you let go of grudges, you’ll no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt. Through forgiving yourself and/or others, you’ll find compassion and understanding and open the door for peace in your life.

I understand that oftentimes, this is easier said than done. If you need help forgiving someone else, treating yourself with compassion, and living in the present, please schedule an appointment with me now.

The post Healing From Grudges: How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You appeared first on Serene Shift.