Parenting Archives - Serene Shift

Marriage and Family: Navigating Cultural Differences for Healthier Relationships

sereneshift — Mon, 05 Oct 2020 21:02:34 +0000

Marriage and Family: Navigating Cultural Differences for Healthier Relationships

Navigating cultural differences is a large part of what makes traveling so fun. At home, however, differing cultural norms and expectations can lead to tension within marriages or among family members.

Many of my patients struggle to bridge a cultural divide between them and their spouse–who is of a different culture, country, and/or religion–or between immigrant parents and first-generation children. Communicating across this chasm takes understanding, empathy, flexibility, and most importantly, practice.

Below, I explain the most common issues I see between spouses or loved ones of different cultures, such as:

1. Mismatched expectations around gender roles or parenting styles
2. A lack of understanding between parents and children who grew up in different places
3. Communication challenges or hostility between spouses or family members
4. Struggles around moving to America and adapting to everyday cultural differences and expectations

I also share some of the most effective strategies for overcoming these challenges to promote greater love and understanding.

Issue 1: Mismatched expectations around gender roles or parenting roles and styles

In romantic relationships, each of us come with certain assumptions and expectations about how our significant other should behave. These expectations about gender roles and parenting styles may be pretty far apart when partners come from different cultures and backgrounds.

For example, a woman born in China may believe that her spouse should be the sole family provider for their nuclear family while she raises the kids. The American husband may believe that both spouses should work full-time to support the family while a nanny provides the childcare. He might also want the family to primarily speak English at home, while his wife and in-laws want to raise the children mostly in Mandarin.

You may not even realize that you hold these internal assumptions around relationships and childcare, or that your partner and extended family don’t agree, until you fight about them for the first time. Experienced again and again, these disagreements cause significant marital and familial conflict.

The Solution:

Like with any type of martial or familial conflict, differing cultural expectations around familial roles and parenting are best resolved through better communication. In couples counseling, I help my patients agree upon their shared vision of the ideal marriage, home in on what each person would like to improve, and create a path forward.

Some general questions that could help you do this in your family or relationship include:

What do you need from me?
What can I do to support you?
How can I make you feel loved?
What can I do to make you happier?
What do you like best about our relationship?
What would our perfect relationship look like?

This is a great way to uncover assumptions and expectations that are leading to disagreements and have calm, positive discussion about how to move forward.

Issue 2: A lack of understanding between parents and children who grew up in different places

Cultural divisions also frequently show up between immigrant parents and first-generation children who grow up in different countries. Although they may be of the same race, their backgrounds could be completely different.

For instance, Korean parents who grew up in post-war South Korea and their Korean-American children growing up in the United States in the 2000s experience very different childhoods that determine their world view, values, communication style, and more. This can lead to consistent friction in the relationship.

Teenagers may feel misunderstood and smothered, causing them to act out in unhealthy ways, which can lead parents to become fearful for their children’s safety and become even more overprotective.

The Solution:

Bridging cultural divides within families comes down to a few essentials:

1. Allowing everyone to feel heard and be receptive about what is trying to be communicated
2. Examining what is needed to feel safe and secure in a relationship
3. Enhancing flexibility and resiliency
4. Managing fear impulses in a sustainable manner
5. Establishing respectful, realistic, and healthy boundaries
6. Replacing unhealthy expectations with realistic and sustainable ones

If you have tried to work through these issues with your family in the past, to no success, you should consider reaching out to a trained psychologist or family therapist. A neutral third-party can be very helpful in moderating emotionally fraught discussions and ensuring they head in a constructive direction.

During these types of discussions, I encourage family members to give everyone a chance to speak. No interrupting or shouting, just listening and then responding when it is your turn. Afterward, we work on setting healthy boundaries together.

For example, if the teenager feels smothered because their parents want to know where they are every minute, we might try phone check-ins at designated times instead. If parents feel that their child doesn’t respect their culture, perhaps agreeing to speak the parents’ native language at home can demonstrate respect and compassion.

Communicating more effectively, making sure everyone feels respected and heard, and enforcing healthy attachment styles can do wonders in overcoming a lack of understanding between family members who grow up in different places.

Issue 3: Moving to America and struggling to fit in or adapt your “old” culture with your “new” one

Moving to a new country makes us question our identity: Who am I in this new place? How do I integrate elements of my home country into my new home? How can I understand and adapt to new cultural norms that may go against my previous culture?

As a new American, your day-to-day life may be very different from what you are accustomed to, which can be uncomfortable.

The Solution:

The key to adapting to a new way of life is learning to be flexible. You may not love everything about your new home, but adopting a mindset of going with the flow and accepting what comes will make the most of your situation. Try the following strategies to stay flexible:

Give yourself time. Everyone who experiences a major life change, such as a move or a divorce, goes through an adjustment period where things feel new and overwhelming. Understand that it may take several months or years before you feel at home, or at least, less overwhelmed.
Be kind. Prioritize self-care, such as cooking your favorite family meals and getting enough sleep. It’s normal to feel homesick, angry, and depressed. You may experience changes in your eating and sleeping habits.
Connect with others and build your support network. Find a new church, join an English language learning group, meet fellow expats. Lean on your family and friends from your previous home when you need to discuss your frustrations or speak your native language.
Stay curious. Think of obstacles like figuring out your bus route or shopping for groceries as opportunities to explore your new life.

Finding the middle ground takes practice

When you are from different cultures, meeting your spouse, family members, or neighbors halfway takes practice. The tips above can put you on the right path toward bridging the gap.

If you need additional help communicating with your partner or family member from another culture, or are struggling to navigate the anxieties of a new life, please reach out to me.

I can guide you through depression, anxiety, couples counseling, and similar issues. Schedule an appointment (video or in-person) with me now.

The post Marriage and Family: Navigating Cultural Differences for Healthier Relationships appeared first on Serene Shift.

Forget Homeschooling, It’s More Important to Keep Kids Mentally Healthy

sereneshift — Wed, 20 May 2020 23:30:14 +0000

Forget Homeschooling, It’s More Important to Keep Kids Mentally Healthy

In these strange times, many of us have new family priorities and responsibilities. These might include working from home while homeschooling the children, taking care of parents or elderly relatives, and helping kids adjust to new, chaotic surroundings or respond to the death of a loved one.

It’s tough to know what to prioritize and how.

I understand that and am here to tell you that right now, it’s more important to keep kids mentally healthy than to homeschool them — and it’s more important for parents to stay sane than to try to do everything “right.”

Why is homeschooling so tough right now?

Homeschooling is usually a carefully planned choice made by parents who have the time, skills, and resources to make it work in the long-term. After all, developing and implementing an age-appropriate curriculum requires a significant time commitment.

During this global emergency, many of us parents have had homeschooling thrust upon us, on top of working and tackling more financial and household responsibilities than ever.

Not surprisingly, we’ve found out just how difficult it is to make this arrangement work. Younger children can find formal learning challenges even at the best of times, but particularly when they are away from the structured school environment and without the company of their peers.

Add the fact that we are living in highly unusual circumstances, separated from friends and family, and it’s no wonder that children may be resisting our efforts to engage with anything academic!

Parents, meanwhile, may be dealing with a lack of support from their children’s schools and/or a huge amount of homeschooling work that seems impossible to complete. Many parents report feeling anxious when they see an email or text message arrive from their child’s school.

How to address homeschooling challenges

If you and/or your children find homeschooling too stressful or anxiety-inducing, protect your mental health by ignoring or unsubscribing from communications until you feel calmer and more equipped to deal with them.

It may also be helpful to call your child’s teacher, if he or she is available, and let them know that identifying one or two key tasks per week would be more useful than a neverending stream of suggestions.

Remember that any work is not compulsory and your child will not be penalized if it isn’t done. The best way to approach anything sent by your children’s schools is to consider it a resource to leverage as you please, rather than the ticking time bomb of stress-producing homework.

Consider these less stressful homeschooling alternatives

Textbooks aren’t the only way to learn during coronavirus lockdown. There are many creative activities that provide great learning for kids, without binding them to traditional educational methods.

Creative activities are equally valuable for developing existing skills along with acquiring new ones, and the following activities are perfect for young children:

Drawing, coloring, and painting
Modeling with dough or clay
Reading together
Singing (particularly nursery rhymes)
Counting (whether this is beads and blocks or butterflies!)
Water or sand play
Den building

For older children, try these learning activities:

Brain puzzles like Sudoku, crosswords, and word searches
Free reading — feel free to move away from curriculum and let them choose their own materials
Online learning for kids, such as spelling or math apps
Jigsaw puzzles
Playing musical instruments or instructional video games
Baking and cooking
Planting a vegetable garden
Building with Legos
Listening to TED Talks
Researching topics online and presenting findings as a talk or powerpoint
Writing emails to family and friends
Watching educational and age-appropriate YouTube videos

Just remember that children need downtime to relax and recharge between meaningful activities. What this looks like depends on the needs of the individual child, but might include calling friends or family members, watching their favorite TV shows, playing games, reading, running in the garden, or playing with toys.

It’s also important that amidst the chaos, we find a few quiet moments with our children. Read, hug, or watch a movie. Talking to kids openly and honestly about the current situation, and the fact that even adults are trying to come to terms with these uncertain times, is the best way to help them manage overwhelming feelings.

A good rule of thumb is to listen first and talk second, letting your children lead the way with conversations about coronavirus and mental health.

How to build a routine that doesn’t revolve around homeschooling

Under any circumstances, children thrive with a good routine. Now more than ever, predictability is important in helping your child feel safe and secure.

Try to get up, do your morning routine, and eat breakfast at the same time. Build a couple of meaningful activities into your day and allow plenty of time for daily exercise, free play, and relaxation. Stick to your child’s usual bath and bedtime routine — getting enough sleep is vital.

You can also help protect your child’s mental health by ensuring that they eat a reasonably balanced diet that’s low in sugar and high in vegetables and whole grains, with lots of healthy snacks. Also feel free to indulge with sugary treats every once in a while.

Focus on your biggest responsibility

Right now, our job as parents must include showing our children how to manage anxiety in a healthy way. Anxiety is a recurring part of life and this is the perfect opportunity to teach children how to cope with it and respond with strength.

We can do this by being in the moment and staying adaptive to an ever-changing environment. Focus on what you have control over in the here and now, like the physical sensations in your body. Build awareness of how you feel in the present moment instead of thinking what might come to be in the future. Teach your child these strategies as well.

Also, help your child identify his or her worst fear. Get specific. Gaining clarity over exactly what we fear most oftentimes expands our acceptance and brings a sense of calm — we think “Hey, I can handle that.” This can lead to inner resilience and strength.

If children are struggling with anxiety, depression, isolation, eating disorders, or other negative behaviors, arrange for them to speak to a professional.

Lastly, it’s important to schedule time out for ourselves wherever possible. When we’re feeling calm and relaxed, it’s easier to keep our anxieties about homeschooling and parenting in perspective.

Tip: Check out these 9 self-care tips to beat isolation and loneliness.

Go easy on yourself and enjoy being a parent

Coping with the COVID-19 outbreak is a huge challenge, and we’re all anxious about the impact of the crisis on our children’s education and future prospects.

Instead of allowing our worries about homeschooling to spiral out of control, pursuing unrealistic targets and berating ourselves when we fail to meet them, we can focus on what can be done in the here and now to protect our own and our children’s mental health.

If you need help navigating these tough times and dealing with parenting challenges, relationship issues, depression, overwhelm, fear, anxiety, or similar issues, please schedule a virtual telehealth appointment with me.

I am offering a sliding scale for anyone who needs assistance.

The post Forget Homeschooling, It’s More Important to Keep Kids Mentally Healthy appeared first on Serene Shift.

[Coronavirus] 7 Secrets to a Happy Marriage in Close Quarters

sereneshift — Tue, 14 Apr 2020 19:50:14 +0000

[Coronavirus] 7 Secrets to a Happy Marriage in Close Quarters

With most states under “shelter in place” orders due to COVID-19, you’re probably spending more time at home with your partner than ever before. Tight quarters mixed with anxiety, fear, financial constraints, and uncertainty… well, that can create some difficult emotions.

Going through relationship issues is expected and absolutely okay! The good news is that this can be an opportunity for you to strengthen the parts of your relationship that need nourishing attention.

I’m sharing my insights gathered over years of counseling spouses and partners through a variety of relationship issues, as well as guiding couples through divorce. Here’s how to build a happy marriage in tight quarters.

1- Clear, respectful communication

Positive communication is essential throughout any great marriage, but even more important during the tough times. When things are chaotic, thoughtful and consistent communication with your partner can ease tensions and create a more harmonious living environment.

Create a list of personal boundaries you and your spouse might need. For example, when you first wake up in the morning, perhaps you need 10 minutes of alone time to check emails before any coffee or intimate interaction. Creating and honoring necessary boundaries will hopefully encourage more positive interactions and minimize negative ones.

When something does bother you, resist the temptation to “punish” your partner with the silent treatment or brooding until things boil over. Calmly and clearly discuss how to change or stop the behaviors that are causing you stress.

Try to focus on yourself and your own emotions rather than focusing on what your partner is doing or not doing. Homing in on what your partner “lacks” or is “doing wrong” will only exacerbate the situation.

If things become heated, take a bath or a walk to balance your emotions and brain. Continue a discussion only when you’re able to respond to your partner with control and intention, which will strengthen your bond.

Respectful communication habits like these will ensure that you’re treating your spouse as an ally, a loved one, and a source of support and comfort rather than as an enemy. Oftentimes, couples going through a divorce report that they and their former spouse stopped positively communicating long before deciding upon separation (and in fact, may be separating because of the lack of communication).

2- Dedicated date time

Carve out some time to reconnect with your partner every day, giving each other time and space to talk about your feelings, anxieties, and goals, and challenges. Do this whenever it works for your schedule, such as first thing in the morning or after the kids go to bed.

When you have a little more time to spend, don’t forget those weekly date nights! You may have to get a little more creative but that’s no reason to stop. Here are just a few ideas for indoor date nights:

Cooking a fancy meal together
Snuggling on the couch with a movie
Listening to an audiobook while sharing a bottle of your favorite wine
Playing a board game
Enjoying a collaborative video game, like Lovers in a Dangerous Spacetime, Overcooked! 2, or Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes, a playful bomb defusal video game that requires clear communication and team strategizing to solve puzzles
Channeling your inner child and building a fort to cuddle in

Making dedicated date time a part of your routine reaffirms your commitment to building your marriage during difficult times–even if all you can spare is 10 minutes a day or a few hours per week.

3- Walking a mile in their shoes

Appreciate that your husband or wife is experiencing his/her own unique set of pressures and anxieties that may be completely different to yours.

For example, if your spouse was the main breadwinner and is now furloughed from their job, they may feel guilty about their current inability to provide. Or, if he/she is now trying to manage the kids’ e-learning, they may be floundering in their new role as teacher and stay-at-home parents.

Embrace compassion (for your spouse and yourself) and understand that we’re all doing our best. If they are frustrated in their new role and you’re frustrated at their negative feelings, take a moment to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Practice compassion and empathy.

This will help you to understand the motivations behind their behaviors, so you have the emotional bandwidth to offer gentle support rather than harsh criticism. When you need support, ask your spouse to practice compassion in return. It’s more important than ever to face problems as a united front, which can help you build a stronger and happier marriage.

4- Keeping in touch

During lockdown, it may seem like members of the family are on top of each other–but you may actually be touching your partner less than normal as you grapple with anxieties about the current crisis.

Humans aren’t meant to be isolated; we’re stronger together. Reach out and touch your partner. Try a warm and reassuring hug, a gentle hand on the arm when the kids are pushing boundaries, a loving kiss, or more intimate touching if the mood is right.

Simple touches can go a long way. It naturally helps to build a happy marriage by communicating “I’m here with you” and releases the mood boosting hormone serotonin while lowering the stress hormone cortisol.

5- Self-care for you and your spouse

During this stressful period, you may find yourself neglecting the self-care you’d normally practice in favor of caring for others and taking on additional responsibilities.

If you don’t look after yourself during this difficult time, however, there will be nothing left to offer your partner or children. “Put your own oxygen mask on first” is a cliche, but it’s a cliche for a reason: you must take care of yourself to be able to give to others.

There are many ways to practice self-care during lockdown and alleviate rising stress, anxiety, and negative emotions–check out my favorite self-care tips designed to beat loneliness and isolation.

If you can’t find the time for self-care around caring for kids and doing chores, make a plan with your partner. Switch off taking care of the kids to give your spouse the opportunity to unwind or choose a code word to indicate self-care emergencies.

Tip: When it’s your turn to care for the kids, use these strategies to be present and connect more fully with them.

6- Rearranging your living space

Do you and/or your spouse need to work from home during lockdown? This is an easy road to arguments over how space, work time, and childcare are divided.

To minimize the stress of co-working and cohabitating, designate areas of your home for work, relaxation, and playtime. Move furniture if necessary, declutter spaces, and commit to keeping them clean and tidy. Discuss open/closed door policies so you and your spouse can both enjoy your space.

If you don’t have the space to designate two office areas, devise a schedule so that one partner takes the space for several hours before switching. This is also helpful if you’re juggling work with childcare, as everyone knows where they should be and what they should be doing at any given time–avoiding arguments over who takes responsibility for what tasks.

7- Imagining the future

It’s easy to get so caught up with daily struggles that we forget to look to the future. Someday this crisis will be over and life will return to normal, perhaps even better than it was before. Brainstorm some things you’d like to do with your partner, friends, and family when this is all over:

Vacations
Big career goals
Significant personal events like renewing wedding vows, planning for a baby, or moving
Smaller everyday things like returning to your favorite restaurant or gym
Long-term life goals

Making plans creates excitement over the future, provides something to look forward to, and most importantly, gives you something to build your marriage toward. Enjoy dreaming about your big and small goals, and enjoy being with your spouse in mindful ways while at home together.

If you need some extra marriage or relationship guidance during these stressful times, I offer virtual telehealth sessions using Zoom and can work around your schedule. I am also offering a sliding scale for anyone who needs assistance.

Please schedule your virtual telehealth appointment with me now.

The post [Coronavirus] 7 Secrets to a Happy Marriage in Close Quarters appeared first on Serene Shift.

Anxiety over Coronavirus? Here are 5 ways to find calm during chaos

sereneshift — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 20:30:56 +0000

Anxiety Over Coronavirus? Here are 5 Ways to Find Calm During Chaos.

With breaking news about Coronavirus (COVID-19) circulating every hour and stores selling out of food, your world may feel a little out of control.

It’s natural to be more anxious than normal, especially when there’s so much misinformation and wild rumor about the Coronavirus. The good news is that although you may not feel like it, you’re still completely in control of your life and your thoughts. You don’t have to feel anxious.

In this article, I’m sharing time-tested tips for identifying and managing anxiety during chaotic times. These are the same strategies that I use with my clients to help them reach clarity during a crisis, feel calmer, and ward off stress and worry.

First things first: is it worry or anxiety?

Day-to-day life can include moments of anxiety even at the best of times. Unexpected events like terrorist attacks or pandemics, however, are more likely to raise our baseline anxiety levels to the point where we struggle to do everyday activities like leaving the house, sleeping or eating a balanced diet.

When anxiety spirals out of control, this can lead to a condition known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Symptoms of GAD include:

Feelings of impending danger, panic, or dread
Tension
Increased sweating
Muscle twitching
Weakness and lethargy
Problems with sleeping
Undereating or overeating
Trouble concentrating on anything other than worries
Rapid heart rate and breathing

How to calm anxiety during a crisis

If you’ve started experiencing any of these anxiety symptoms since the outbreak of Coronavirus or have noticed an increase in their severity, there are many steps you can take to ease your suffering.

1. Be specific

When approaching any anxiety provoking situation, it’s important to be specific about what we fear. This can bring some sense of balance and a little more control to uncertain situations – after all, anxiety and fear are often about ‘not knowing.’

These simple steps will help you identify, investigate, and address your fears surrounding the coronavirus pandemic.

Be specific about what your fear is. For example, becoming sick, losing money in the stock market, losing your job, or the death of a loved one.
Ask yourself, “If this worst case scenario comes true, what will this look like and how will I handle it?”
Truly examine the odds of this actually happening to you, using a credible source rather than hearsay or cyclical thoughts.
What can you do in this moment, if anything, to prevent your worst fears from happening?
Integrate mindfulness tactics focused on being calm and present, like conscious breathing with self-soothing techniques, positive self talk, self-massage, and self-holding.

When we move towards and welcome our fears rather than resisting and running away from them, we can build strength around what we are most frightened of.

2. Stop the information overload

Rather than listening to gossip on social media or sensationalized reports from unreliable sources, take your information about the spread of Coronavirus from reliable sources such as:

CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention)
WHO (World Health Organization), which recently added a myth-busters page to its information on COVID-19.

Getting information from reputable sources is a great way to cut through the over-dramatized rumors that often cause panic and anxiety.

3. Set healthy boundaries

If you find yourself obsessively checking for new information or constantly discussing the Coronavirus, start setting boundaries. Limit the amount of time you can spend focusing on Coronavirus.

Do something personally fulfilling with those freed up hours, such as an at-home yoga session, baking cookies with the kids, or playing chess or cards online or via FaceTime with an elderly relative.

By getting away from the frantic news cycle that lends itself to anxiety, fear, and panic, you may feel much more calm and centered. This is particularly important for children and teenagers, who can more easily lose a sense of security and become fearful in response to chaotic surroundings and emotions.

4. Enjoy mindful minutes

Mindfulness helps us manage anxiety by teaching us awareness of our physical and mental states – allowing us to ‘check in’ with ourselves and regain some control of our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.

There are many ways to practice mindfulness throughout your day to ease anxious feelings:

Do a guided meditation or mindfulness practice. Try apps like Headspace or Calm, or put on a free YouTube video.
Doodle, color, draw, or paint.
Go for a walk.
Express your gratitude for others.
Turn your attention outward. Look up and around you to draw focus from internal (worry) to external (noticing others). Notice the sights and smells around you.
Become aware of your breathing. Take slow, deliberate breaths. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Feel the breath flowing through your body.

5. Practice self-care

Many simple activities, when practiced daily, can have a powerful effect on managing anxiety:

Eating a healthy, balanced diet
Avoiding alcohol, caffeine, and sugar
Getting enough sleep
Exercising
Spending time in nature (research has shown that getting outdoors can lead to fewer negative thoughts, less anxiety, and lower stress!)
Counting to ten slowly
Taking a few quiet minutes for yourself
Talking to friends and family when you’re feeling overwhelmed

6. Do what you can, accept what you can’t control

Part of managing anxiety is letting go and accepting that you cannot control everything. The threat posed by Coronavirus is real, but there is only so much we can do as individuals to minimize risks.

Take the practical steps you can, including the following expert advice for limiting the spread of Coronavirus.

Wash your hands with soap and water regularly and thoroughly.
When coughing or sneezing, cover your mouth and nose with a tissue or sleeve (not your hands).
Place used tissues in the trash immediately.
Avoid close contact with people who are unwell.
Avoid gatherings of people.
Contact a doctor for advice if you experience Coronavirus symptoms (a dry cough, high temperature, or shortness of breath).
If possible, stay at home and ask family members to stay at home.

Outside of these practical steps, there’s not much you can do (at least at the time of writing this article). Accept that you have to let go of worrying about things that you can’t control.

If you or your teenage children need help managing anxiety during this chaotic time…

I’m here to help. Anxiety can manifest physically in the body if experienced long-term, and can also be associated with other disorders such as depression. Left untreated, anxious and negative thoughts can negatively impact your quality of life.

In these high-anxiety times, let’s work together to let go of negative thoughts and put you on a path toward calm and peace. Schedule a Skype appointment with me now.

The post Anxiety over Coronavirus? Here are 5 ways to find calm during chaos appeared first on Serene Shift.

7 Ways to Guide Your Child Through Tragedy

sereneshift — Mon, 27 Jan 2020 11:00:30 +0000

7 Ways to Guide Your Child Through Tragedy

The sudden death of Kobe Bryant, his young daughter Gianna, and seven others in a tragic helicopter accident have left families shaken, particularly around my Newport Beach community where many of the victims called home. During tough times like these, parents often struggle to help their children process news and work through intense emotions like anxiety, fear, and depression.

In this article, you will learn how to guide your child through a tragedy, particularly events that affect your larger community. We will discuss:

How to move past traumatic news event that can keep us stuck
Ways to make sense of news about a tragic death
Tips for ensuring we don’t fall into unhealthy patterns during grieving
How to respond positively for our children during tough times

How tragic current events can impact children

Most of us, including children and teenagers, hear news on TV, social media, and text quickly and often. News channels may break a story and then continue to play the same chaotic scene or coverage over and over again, overdramatizing coverage or adding misinformation.

Repeated exposure to these frantic news cycles can cause anxiety and obsessive ruminating thoughts in teenagers and children. It’s not uncommon for children to lose a sense of security and become fearful, developing fear as a defense mechanism to feel more in control of their chaotic surroundings and emotions.

These fears may be directly related to the situation at hand. For example, after hearing news of Kobe Bryant’s death, it’s understandable for children to become afraid of anything related to flying, helicopters, death, being away from home, or being alone.

Discovering a traumatic death on the news can also trigger other emotions from past trauma or a past death, such as the death of a grandparent, which can increase anxiety, fear, depression, insomnia, and repeated negative thinking.

Strategies to help your family through tough times

We need to be careful about what our children are exposed to and model healthy coping behaviors during difficult times. Assisting your child with developing healthy, sustainable coping skills is vital to ensuring they do not pursue unhealthy behaviors that create more suffering.

That brings us to the million-dollar question: how can we best teach our children to embrace tragedy with more strength?

1- You’ve probably heard the phrase “Put your own oxygen mask on first.” After hearing tragic news, identify what you need in any given moment for your own support. Ground yourself and treat yourself with compassion to create internal strength, so you can better assist your family.

2- Monitor your child’s social media, device, and TV exposure. Try to avoid having the TV on all day.

3- Be aware and notice any behavior that is not typical of your child. If they want space, this might be normal, but keep an eye out for any extreme or atypical behaviors such as: lack of appetite, not sleeping, isolation, not socializing, and extreme anger. Seek help if you notice extreme or dangerous behaviors.

4- After tragedy, you might be tempted to isolate yourself and avoid socializing or talking about tough topics. Your child, however, may need to work through questions and emotions by talking. If that’s the case, listen with full attention and focus when your child is talking to you. Make eye contact and show them that you are listening.

5- Similarly, be open to answering difficult questions if they are age-appropriate.

6- It’s okay to not know everything. Feel free to say “I don’t know” or “That’s a good question.” Sometimes just listening to your child is more meaningful than knowing all the answers.

7- Allow space for your child to experience any emotions, and try your best to assist them in staying present with their emotions and embracing them with kindness.

Experiencing difficult emotions is part of the healing process, so go through this process with your child, embracing it with loving, connected presence. Responding to a tragedy is never easy but it can be a wonderful opportunity to help your child and bring your family closer together.

If you need further guidance during tough times, please don’t be afraid to reach out for professional help. Make a virtual or in-person appointment today.

The post 7 Ways to Guide Your Child Through Tragedy appeared first on Serene Shift.

Present Parenting – How to Connect with your Kids

sereneshift — Fri, 24 Jan 2020 20:30:14 +0000

Present Parenting – How to Connect with your Kids

What kind of parent do you strive to be? Do you struggle with being present while spending time with your children? Do you want to feel less stress and more connection with your kids?

In today’s busy society, it can be very challenging to come home from work and feel relaxed and present with your kids. Even though you’re clocked out of the office, there’s no clocking out of your job as a parent. You probably have a lot on your mind after work hours, from getting dinner on the table to making sure homework is done.

Children don’t necessarily realize this. Ultimately, they just want one thing from you… they want you. They want your focus and attention.

WHY IS PRESENT PARENTING IMPORTANT?

Full focus and attention communicates many things:

I love you.
You are important to me.
Yes, I am listening to you. I want to connect with you and feel close to you.
You can trust me, I am dependable.

Listening is a beautiful gift we can offer everyone in our lives, especially our family members. When we feel heard and understood, our brain releases oxytocin that can stimulate motivation, reduce stress, increase feelings of satisfaction, and reduce anger. We also feel safe when we feel heard. When we feel safe, we are more inclined to be kinder to ourselves and make better decisions.

Lastly, when we listen to our kids’ stories and clarify what we heard them say, we create a space for our children to develop their sense of self and learn to solve their own problems. Present parenting, or giving kiddos our undivided attention, and creating a safe space for our children to become who they want is a true gift.

5 WAYS TO INCORPORATE PRESENCE WITH YOUR KIDDOS

1- Wake up a little earlier than your kids and take five mindful minutes for yourself. Close your eyes and feel your heart beating, bring attention to your breath, bring attention to your chest rising up and down. Think of three things you are thankful for in life.

2- Notice one specific thing about your child that you enjoy. For example:

I love our time together.
I really enjoyed watching that movie with them last night.
I love reading books with them before bed.
I’m thankful for the person they are.

When it feels right, tell your kiddo what you enjoy about them.

3- When arriving at home after work, set your intention. What would you like to achieve: more connection, greater presence, increased focus or empathy, better listening? Enter your home with this intention in mind so you can act accordingly.

4- During conversations with your child, give them your full, undivided attention. Put devices away, maintain eye contact, and turn your body toward them so your child knows you’re actively listening.

5- Do your best to prioritize. Ask yourself: In this moment, what is the most important thing to do? Prioritization can help you clear your mind for less stress and more presence.

Like anything else, present parenting in this fast-paced world of distractions takes practice; you have to take time to incorporate these practices in your daily life. I’m confident that soon enough, you’ll feel less stress, a greater sense of calm, and more connection to your kiddos.

If you need help working through the challenges of parenting and adoption, I’m always here. Reach out to schedule a virtual or in-person appointment now.

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